All The Eligible Royals You Can Still Marry To Become A Princess

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because we had 20 years of fantasizing about marrying Prince Harry. If somebody had to take him off the market, at least we can have some pride that it was an American. If the American Girl Doll franchise doesn’t immediately release a special edition doll, their CEO is wasting a golden opportunity. But before you start a pity party at happy hour that you’re no longer in the running to become Mrs. Prince Harry (that will be her official title, right?), read through the list of still royally eligible bachelors. You can snag a better title than the Duchess of Sussex.

Prince Sébastien of Luxembourg

Age: 25
How Many People Need to Die Before He’s King: 7
Education: Franciscan University – International Business and Marketing and Royal Military Academy Sandhurst
Career: Officer Cadet in Luxembourg Army
Highlights: Sebastian went to college in Ohio and played rugby, so he’s bringing beer pong to the palace.

Felipe Juan Froilán de Marichalar y Borbón of Spain

Age: 19
How Many People Need to Die Before He’s King: 5
Education: The College for International Studies – Business
Career: Being a professional asshole
Highlights: He is the Chuck Bass of European Royalty—he gave an official speech about Dr. Pepper, shot himself in the foot when he was 13, was expelled from multiple high schools for not taking his finals, was exiled to the US to finish high school, and his nickname is Pipe. So if you’re really into fixing “bad boys” (please see a therapist), then he’s the one for you.

Prince Joseph of Liechtenstein

Age: 22
How Many People Need to Die Before He’s King: 2
Education: Royal Military Academy Sandhurst
Career: Intern at the US Senate
Highlights: He took a gap year to backpack through South America, his favorite hobby is skiing, and he wants to get an MBA—so his real title is Prince Finance Bro.

Louis Ducruet of Monaco

Age: 24
How Many People Need to Die Before He’s King: 13
Education: Western Carolina University – Sports Management
Career: Scout for Association Sportive de Monaco Football Club (you can find him on LinkedIn)
Highlights: He’s the love child of his royal mother and her body guard, so he’s definitely got some daddy issues going on. But the deal breaker: He has no official title, so you wouldn’t be a Princess.

Hussein, Crown Prince of Jordan

Age: 23
How Many People Need to Die Before He’s King: 1
Education: Georgetown – International History and Royal Military Academy Sandhurst
Career: Second Lieutenant in the Jordanian Armed Forces, Director of Crown Prince Foundation
Highlights: He’s the youngest person to ever chair a UN Security Council meeting and takes the royalty thing super seriously. Chasing after him would mean a lot more than wearing jewelry well and going to charity galas, but you’d also be Queen of Jordan one day, so it seems like a decent trade-off. He has 1.1 million Instagram followers, so your engagement photos would get a shit ton of likes. 

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The Best Drug Store Facial Cleansers & The Ones You Should Literally Never Use

Unless you’re into Korean beauty treatments, expensive and rare facial oils, or have an old Swedish facialist that follows you around with helpful tips and tricks (where do I find this), you’re likely heading to your neighborhood drugstore for your facial cleansing needs. And that’s a big, scary world, fam. There are oil-free cleansers, full-of-oil cleansers, cleansers with exfoliators, cleansers with minerals, cleansers for acne, cleansers that will probs give you acne, cleansers for the old, cleansers for alcoholics (hi), and much much more. We’re being great friends by helping narrow the aisle a bit.

Here are some cleansers to literally never fucking use and some that’ll probs help.


1. Witch Hazel

Not really a cleanser, more of a toner, but hear us out. For those of you who crave the cleansing purity of alcohol but don’t love the whole “omg my skin is dry and on fire” thing, witch hazel is for you. Once you actually wash your face, dab some sort of witch hazel on (it doesn’t have to be fancy … generic will do) as a very gentle toner. It’ll chill out your acne, while evening out your complexion.

2. Neutrogena Naturals Fresh Cleansing And Makeup Remover

Not only does this actually remove your crusted-on mascara, but it’s also super gentle and is fantastic for zit-prone skin. It’ll leave your face feeling clean AND not overly dry, so that’s a plus.

3. Purpose Gentle Cleansing Wash

Removes dirt and oil without stripping your skin, which is super important if you have a sensitive face that doesn’t play well with anything harsh. It can also remove eye makeup without making you feel like you were maced.

4. Burt’s Bees Intense Hydration Cream Cleanser

Removes dirt, oil, makeup, and nasty shit from your face, while nourishing your face with dermatologist tested and approved cream cleanser. It also doesn’t have any parabens, phthalates, or petrolatum, so it’s hippie approved.


1. St. Ives Invigorating Apricot Scrub

Invigorating here means scrubbing the first layer of your skin off—which, while yes, it’s def smoother, it’s also now super prone to infections, zits, and uneven tone. Did you know there’s a legit lawsuit against St. Ives for marketing this shit? That’s how bad it is. So maybe throw that shit out and be nice to your face for a change. Exfoliating is good. Removing layers of skin and having what feels like a chemical peel every day is not.

2. Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash Pink Grapefruit Facial Cleanser

Want a dry and crusty face? Use this shit. Neutrogena is usually super on top of its game, but for some reason, this stuff makes users’ faces dry and tight. It smells nice, which is great, but doesn’t save it from our shit list today.

3. Cetaphil Daily Facial Cleanser

Okay, hear us out. This shit is awesome if you have combination skin and acne that flares up from too much drying. However, if you have oily skin, it may make your zits worse. Definitely try it if you must, but buyer beware.


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Want To Work For Us? Apply To Be Our Fall Marketing Intern


For college credit only // NYC // Works in office part-time


  • Assist the Marketing Director with daily marketing tasks
  • Assist with reviewing and analyzing marketing analytics
  • Assist with planning and securing marketing event details
  • Assist Content Creator with Instagram styling
  • Source and secure styling items when necessary
  • Assist the Office Community Manager with relevant office administration such as PR mailings

Desired Qualifications:

  • Minimum high school diploma or GED required
  • Must be based in or near New York, able to work out of our Manhattan office at least 2 days a week
  • Excellent attention to detail
  • Must be a self-starter, able to work without constant supervision
  • Previous Marketing & Styling experience a plus
  • Must be able to receive college credit

Please note, this is an unpaid position but college credit is available.

The Application:

The subject line of your email should be formatted as follows: FULL NAME – FALL MARKETING INTERNSHIP

  1. Full Name, Age, Hometown
  2. Email address / Instagram handle / Facebook link
  3. Education
  4. Current and past employment
  5. Describe your previous work experiences and relevant accomplishments. Let us know why you want to work for Betches and why you think you’re a good fit. Be professional. We do NOT want to hear about how you spent your summer blacking out on boats and blowing off your internship, for obvious reasons.
  6. Please download and fill out this FORM (just standard official stuff) and attach it in a PDF.
  7. Send a link to or attach any relevant, preferably humorous, writing samples.
  8. Email all this to [email protected]!!

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What Business Does Peter Own? The ‘Bachelorette’ Hottie May Be Here For The Wrong Reasons

If you remember back to the super hilarious (if I do say so myself) breakdown of contestants on this season of , you’ll recall that this year’s first one-on-one date-getter, Peter, listed his occupation as “Business Owner”.

Like, sure, that’s the most boring title you could give yourself on this show, especially when you consider one of these motherfuckers thinks “Whaaboom” is a job. Then again, maybe calling yourself a “business owner” is strategic because it says you have a job, but also have enough control in your finances to abandon your business for a few months to go on a reality TV show.

Unlike Corinne, whose father started a business to make sure his daughter’s platinum vagine stayed gainfully employed while she went to jiggle her boobs on national television, it seems like Peter actually built his own businessand by business, we mean his own personal training gig

Peter owns “Worth Personal Training” where the motto is, of course: “Because you are WORTH it!”

I don’t particularly understand how Peter is single. He’s hot AF and a personal trainer. Personal trainers are notorious for meeting and henceforth hooking up with their clients. You think there’d be one meagerly hot woman in Madison, Wisconsin who wanted to just tone up a little and then turn up with Peter a lot.

Even though technically personal training is a job, let us not forget that Peter is also a modelevidenced by the modeling pics on his Insta and the fact he told us that in his bio. That’s right, everyone who thought Peter was totally on the show for the right reasons, he also probably has somewhat of an agenda. Who doesn’t these days, though? *Glares angrily at Whaboom and the Tickle Monster*

I’m legit disappointed we didn’t see more of Peter on this week’s episode. I seriously can’t get enough of that gap-toothed stud muffin. We got a whole lotta Eric, who is, you guessed it, also a personal trainer. We also discovered that Whaboom’s arch nemesis, Blake E., was somewhat of a personal trainer/aspiring drummer/creepy banana eater, so I guess the whole show wasn’t a loss. 

Take note, guys who want their life coaching and personal training business to take off. If you already have a hot bod, why not go on  for some free marketing? 

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The Top 10 Kosher For Passover Wines That Aren’t Manischewitz

Drinking as a Chosen One is a tough job. At least twice per year we have to throw our tastebuds to the wind and partake in Kosher food AND wine that sometimes, really, does not cut it in terms of taste. I mean, I’m still not convinced that Manischewitz is a wine and not just mislabeled juice. It’s a centuries-long conspiracy, I’m telling you! Anyway, lucky for you and my tinfoil hat, we scoured the internet for the best kosher for Passover wines so you A) don’t have to suffer through another glass of Manischewitz and B) can get Passover drunk like an adult. Check out lists here, here, here, ohand here, for even more suggestions.

1. Drappier Carte Dor Brut

Literally any holiday calls for some bubbly, and this Champagne is Kosher AND palatable. Mostly Pinot Noir grapes make up this dry, crisp, and fruity bubbly drank. Pop this shit and feel like Drake at his bar mitzvah.

2. Domaine du Castel Grand Vin

Since this blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and Bordeaux varietals is produced in the Judean Hills of Israel, its no wonder its decent kosher for Passover wine. Its smooth, its got tons of berry and (non-bitter) herb flavor, AND it works perfectly with brisket.

3. Yarden Odem Chardonnay 2008

If Bubbie usually puts out a bowl of matzah ball or chicken soup for Passover, bring this Chardonnay. Its produced by Victor Schoenfeld, a true baller in the Israeli wine arena. It smells like spring fruit and is made with organically grown grapes from northern Galilee, so you know its legit. If your family is legit and you typically have both soup and brisket, bring wines 2 and 3fucking duh. I mean, you supposed to drink at least four glasses, so. It’s what Elijah would want.

4. Capanes Peraj Ha’abib Flor de Primavera, Montsant, Spain 2009

Its a mouthful to explain, so you know its good. This red is a blend of Grenache, Carignan, and Cab Sauv, so it goes nicely with something like a roast chicken or turkey, if thats how you do Passover. Its one of the more popular Kosher wines in Spainwhich, I’m not really sure how big of a sample size that is. But, shit, you know Spanish people know their wines. Trust.

5. Bartenura Moscato

The famous blue bottle of Moscato from Italy has been a staple in kosher households for years. You might have even seen those “Hello Bluetiful” ads on a nearby bus stop or billboard and thought to yourself how cheesy and/or dumb of an ad slogan that was. Well, this is that wine! The wine is better than the marketing campaign, trust me. It’s smooth, sweet, but not overtly sweet. Sound familiar? Thats cause DJ Khaled has been known to drink it out of the bottle. Kosher wine being featured in a hip-hop videothat’s what Moses was really fighting for.

6. NV Laurent-Perrier Cuve Ros Brut

Ros Champagne for the winthe berry-forward, bubbly, and almost nutty drank goes really well with anything salty, like your aunt Sharon’s attitude towards your dating life. JK, break out the fried smelts and brisket.

7. 2014 Covenant Israel Syrah

Yeah, this bottle retails around $70, but its also dark with fruit, licorice, cloves, and is intense in the best way. I don’t really know who reading this is spending $70 on kosher wineor any wine, for that matterbut if you are, more power to you. And also: adopt me?

8. 2013 Carmel Kayona Riesling

This isnt your normal honey-sweet Reisling. Its more of a dry variety, with some citrus and nuttiness. It goes well with chicken, soup, and other light fare, so knock this back during appetizer hour and/or sip it on the low when your dad is passing out the matzah/bitter herb/charoset sandwiches.

9. Baron Herzog Chenin Blanc

What goes with matzah? This Chenin Blanc which is inexpensive, not too dry, and highly rated. It also pairs well with veggies and white fish, so youre pretty much set on the whole Passover wine pairing thing. Honestly, though, if you eat matzah of your own volition and not just because it’s forced upon us AND like it so much that you’re pairing it with wine, I’m calling the police. You are not well.

10. 2014 Flam Classico Judean Hills

Bordeaux and a hint of Syrah make this wine great with literally (like, almost) anything. The winemaker behind it studied in Italy before heading back to the Promised Land, and it shows.  


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Every Official Wine Drinking Holiday To Add To Your Calendar Right Now

There are holidays that every betch regularly celebrates: New Year’s Eve, Skanksgiving, any religious holiday we can use to get out of work, etc. These holidays ensure a chance to drink to the point of near liver failure, or serve merely as an excuse to Day Drink. TBH these days, a new episode of is one hundo p a reason to celebrate with a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. But if you want dont want to be labeled as an alcoholic by your friends/family/therapist there are actually days to drink with less shame. They may be completely arbitrary and fake holidays, however, that you need to add to your calendar like, yesterday, because they all involve wine. And anything that involves wine is a great fucking reason to celebrate.Jot down the dates of these official wine holidays, and stock up on your wine in preparation.

We would also just like to point out that just because many of these holidays celebrate a specific wine doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to follow it to a T. Like, if you don’t want to drink red wine on National Red Wine Day because it falls on August 28th and what kind of monster drinks red wine in the summer, we’re not going to judge you. So long as you celebrate with some type of fermented grape, you’re doing the right thing.

February 18: National Drink Wine Day

We just missed this one (sad!), but mark it for next year. Any holiday that’s dedicated to drinking wine specificallyas opposed to swirling it around in your glass and pretending to know shit about it, I guessis an automatic yes in our books. Is “National Drink Wine Day” basically just every Monday night for me? Maybe, but who asked you, mom?

April 24: Sauvignon Blanc Day

Good for all of you Kim Crawford lovers out there. Sauvignon Blanc Day was created in 2010 specifically to encourage consumption of this delicious white wine. So, drink up.

May 9: World Moscato Day

This holiday is even newer, with its humble beginnings originating in 2012. This holiday was actually founded by a winery (Gallo Family Vineyards) and its moscato production has risen 2 percent since. So yeah, another great holiday (and marketing ploy). But we’re not mad. Maybe call out of work the next day so you can tend to your inevitable sugar hangover.

May 25: National Wine Day

If you don’t know what a holiday called “National Wine Day” entails, you definitely can’t fucking sit with us.

May 26: National Chardonnay Day

A personal favorite, this floating holiday is designed for you to celebrate it in tandem with Memorial Day. So break out the Kendall Jackson and get ready to spend a weekend drowning in wine. For the troopsor whatever Memorial Day celebrates.

June 11 (and/or/and August 14th): National Ros Wine Day

Ros all fucking day. A wine so special, it deserves two dates for optimal celebration.

July 25: National Wine and Cheese Day

Wine and cheese: the greatest food pairing in the history of time (it’s a scientific fact). Naturally, this is a great excuse to eat all of the cheese and chase it with all of the wine. Just don’t do it in that fucking gross cheese-y wine shooter. Buy some brie like a goddamn adult.

August 4: National White Wine Day

Moscato, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc. The more, the merrier to celebrate.

August 28: National Red Wine Day

We really don’t discriminate against any varietal of wine, even if it’s not exactly seasonally appropriate.

November 4: National Wine Tasting Day

How does this differ from National Drink Wine Day? I really have no clue, but then again, why am I complaining? Carry on, nothing to see here.

November 7: International Merlot Day

This one is going global. Around the world, raise your glass to all of our alcoholic soul sisters. Then, pour one out for them because apparently America is the only country that gets not one, but 13 ways to celebrate our favorite drink.

December 31: Champagne Day

Definitely not a coincidence this falls on New Years Eve. Now we just have to get national boozy brunch day to become a thing…

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The Top 8 Foods You Think Are Healthy, But You’re Wrong

When it comes to throwing shade, were obv on board. Being able to secretly be a bitch or hate someone without them knowing is like, the rules of feminism. But when it comes to our food choices being shadily unhealthy and betraying our trust, its not cute. So we’re here to tell you which foods have been lying to you and masquerading as health foods when they’re secretly junk food (or really, not-so-secretly since it’s on the nutrition label).

1. Yogurts

Not all yogurts! you scream at your computer. Fine, bitch, but understand that pretty much almost all flavored yogurts (or the ones with those super cute flippy lids) are FULL OF SUGAR. Not just like oh Im cheating and having a jelly bean teehee! amounts of sugar. Were talking full blown this-is-your-sugar-intake-limit-for-the-day amounts. You best be opting for full-fat unflavored Greek yogurt if you need a fix. Top it with whatever you want shit, add 3 tablespoons of sugar to it and youll essentially have one of those fucking Chobani flips.

2. Caesar Salad

A question we often ask ourselves: If it contains bread and cheese, is it still a salad? The answer is yes, but just because something fits a definition, it doesnt mean it belongs in and around your mouth. This ESPECIALLY applies to a Caesar fucking salad. On every menu literally everywhere and ALWAYS seemingly a safe choice, the average Caesar salad includes creamy dressing, a lot of cheese, and bread baked in a concoction of more cheese and oil. Look at the facts: The Caesar salad was created in Tijuana, tequila shot capitol of the world, because the kitchen ran out of normal shit and Mr. Caesar (literally his name) needed to serve some Hollywood bitches SOMETHING. Also, it was a finger food, which INSTANTLY ranks it on our list of unhealthy shit. Mozzarella sticks, chicken wings, pizza rollsI think Ive made my point. Aside from celery sticks, almost NOTHING you can hold and eat is under 500 calories. Next.

3. Granola

Sprinkling granola on your Greek yogurt parfait makes you feel skinny and chic, but you wouldnt feel so adorable if you knew that most granolas are full of sugar and fat. How? Because thats literally how theyre made. You take oats or some other fucking grain you find in bulk at whole foods, mix it with fair trade, organic, non-animal-endangering sugar, butter or honey, nuts, and bake it. Yeah. Let that sink in. That shit is practically candy. Same goes for granola bars, which require EVEN MORE sugar and sticky shit so they can be formed into the perfect rectangle. Ever heard of KIND bars? They literally GOT CALLED OUT BY THE FDA for marketing themselves as healthy when, clearly, they belong in the candy aisle. Dont buy into your hippie liberal douche friends hype: Granola is not healthy.

4. Cereal

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day”not if youre scarfing down chocolate sugar puffs in a sea of fat-laden milk. Honestly, if you MUST have cereal, we require you either a) be hungover; b) are eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch the only acceptable cereal; or c) are a child under the age of 9. None of those are health reasons, but unless youre eating GrapeNuts, youre popping calories like pills anyway. Slather some sad butter on your sad toast or squint at the sourness of a grapefruit and accept adulthood.

5. Potatoes

This shouldnt come as a fucking surprise, but potatoes suck. Honestly, how are they even considered a vegetable? Based on the USs ability to name pizza a vegetable and vote a literal human Cheeto into office, I guess we shouldnt be surprised, but still. Regular white potatoes have like, literally no health benefits. If you MUST partake in a potato, make it a sweet potato. At least you can pass off the carby starch mine with vitamin benefits.

6. Smoothies

You come to work sippin on your green smoothie and, having just come from cycling class, youre officially allowed to look down on everyone else. Too bad, so sadthat shit is full of fat. Despite having a fuckload of fruit, those same fruit juices host tons of calories and sugar and no fucking fiber. Plus, your smoothie probably has DING DING DING YOGURT to help fill you up. Do us a favor: go buy a Vitamix and blend a smoothie made of spinach, avocado, and green grapes. Thin it with water. Then, youll have a borderline healthy smoothie. Will it taste good? Um, no, but healthy shit usually doesnt.

7. Diet Soda

Feel free to crucify me in the comments, but if youre still drinking sodadiet or notyoull probs get fat and/or cancer, we assume. IT ISNT GOOD FOR YOU. Start drinking fizzy water instead. We know its harder than weaning yourself off drugs (probably), but, really, your skin, thighs, and overall health will thank you.

8. Dried Fruit

Whether youre trying to get un-hooked from jelly beans or need help pooping, dry fruit always seems like a healthy option. NOT FUCKING TRUE. A handful of dried banana chips or dried cranberries have the same amount of sugar as a lot of candy. So, like, you may as well just eat the jelly beans. Or, buy a dehydrator and make your own dried fruit, sans added sugars.

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Starbucks Releases Chocolate Valentine’s Day Drinks For Single NiceGirls

We’re all aware that Valentine’s Day is happening next weekyou’ve probably been listening to your friend with an almost boyfriend whine about what he has (or more accurately, doesn’t have) planned for the past month. Valentine’s Day affects betches regardless of relationship status. For girls in relationships, V-Day is a test for the bf. For betches with an ounce of self-esteem, it’s an excuse to get blackout on a Tuesday night. For single girls still talking about their 7th grade boyfriend and delusional daters waiting all night for a “U Up?” text, Valentine’s Day is the perfect occasion for a new Starbucks drink flavor.

Starbucks knows its customers better than your Saturday night Uber driver knows your entire relationship history. They know that the best way to sell special drinks is to choose a holiday when women are at their most vulnerable and need extra TLC from their local barista. Cue the limited edition Molten Chocolate frappuccino, latte, and hot chocolate.

The latte has chocolate mixed in with the espresso, which sounds like it should be on the menu all the time. The frap is is just a glorified chocolate milkshake. And the hot chocolate has extra mocha sauce mixed ingroundbreaking. They all come topped with mocha-espresso whipped cream and drizzle. So if you need an excuse to drink 500 calories before eating your weight in chocolate, Starbucks has you covered.

It’s actually a stroke of marketing genius, because no one who wasn’t already alone and wallowing in self pity would order one of these; and if you drink these molten chocolate calorie bombs, you’re bound to stay that way until they come back next year. Well played, Starbucks. Well played.

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Dear Betch, Should I Stay In College To Get My MRS Degree?

Dear Head Pro,

This week has been crazy. I found out that I can graduate a year early with no minor or a semester early with a betchy BS minor or double major in something useful and graduate on time. Of course I go to a bug state party school but also hard af to get into. Like my major is marketing so not the toughest business major but not journalism. Obviously, I dont want to graduate because I dont want to be classified as an alcoholic. duh. I really dont think Im ready to give up cheap liquor and dumb fraternity boys, but I was also just elected to be on standards or my sorority aka I have to be boring now. But, maybe getting hired with a Masters could be cool idk. Are there cute boys in grad school? The real problem is that my dad doesnt love me enough and is only paying for four years of useful college. Of course, I called my dad in tears and he basically told me to grow up and make a decision on my own or go to grad school. Like i really just dont know on this one. Graduate early and get another degree that my dad will help pay for or try and take BS classes and graduate with my class. Or do I double major bc is that betchy? Or should I change my major to MIS where all the smart frat boys are at? Oh and Im no where near that MRS. degree bc apparently I like to have too much fun.


Should Have Gone for the MRS

Dear Embodiment Of Every Millennial Stereotype,

Yeah, I know you asked for the Head Pro but you got me instead. Surprise, bitch. So I’m super confused how you got from “graduating early” to “graduating with a Master’s.” Honestly I hope this letter is satire because you sound so unbelievably spoiled it almost makes me want to go back in time and somehow be a part of the Baby Boomer generation. Your dad is paying for four years of college, you should basically kiss his feet (or maybe something, IDK, less like what Ivanka Trump would do). Anyway, point is, your dad is right af; you need to grow up and make a decision for your future. Personally I would stay in college for 4 years and milk it if dad’s paying, but IDK. Given that you’re actually considering changing your major to be with “all the smart frat boys” (vom, are you serious?) I think maybe you need to like, drop out of college and take a job in the mines so you can learn some maturity and the value of a dollar.

Stay In School & Don’t Do Drugs,

The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

So basically I’ve never been single for more than 2 months since sixth grade (I’m now in my second year of university). I just broke things off, about a month ago, with my boyfriend I’ve been with for the past 4 years because I wanted to experience being single and just focus on myself.

A couple of months ago, one of my good friends (let’s call him Nick) introduced me to his cousin (Luke) because we all had the same classes together. At first I thought he could be gay just because of the stereotypical signs he gave, I know that’s wrong. But anyway, I started to feel sexual attraction towards him and eventually an emotional connection, creating more of a reason to break up with my boyfriend.

About a week after breaking up with him, I asked Luke how he felt about friends with benefits and he said it sounded like fun. I knew he was a virgin and actually never really hooked up with a lot of girls before so I’d have to take initiative here. I asked him if he wanted to study at his place and he accepted. I made my move that day and kissed him. Things started heating up and before I knew it, we were in his bed.

There was one problem.. He couldn’t get it up.

I was mortified because that’s never happened to a guy I was with and I thought he wasn’t attracted to me. After I left his place, I couldn’t help but wonder if he actually was gay. I needed to know for sure, so I made the effort to continue hooking up with him (each time he could barely keep it up long enough to have sex, but we did manage to do it once.. granted it wasn’t the best sex of my life. That plan failed because I still have no idea what’s wrong.

I told all of this to one of my close friends and she said that Nick would be the better match for me, which got me thinking. I realized that Nick is a really sweet guy and I might actually have feelings for him but I know it’s so wrong because I was hooking up with his cousin.

How do I stop myself from going guy to guy?


Accidentally in Lust

Dear Ann Perkins,

Y’all have got me fucked up. “How do I stop myself from going guy to guy?” – You just fucking don’t do it. End of story. It’s not that hard. Get some therapy if you need help realizing it’s okay to *actually* be by yourself. The world won’t end. Your uterus won’t dry up. I know it seems like a strange concept because you literally have not been single since childhood (sidenote: who are you people and how do you find a constant stream of men to date), but I promise you: you will be fine. Being single is actually fun. And for the record, just because a guy can’t get it up doesn’t mean he’s gay. He could be nervous. Or tired. There are literally a million reasons, aside from his sexuality, that he could have trouble staying hard.

Also, WTF, the way to find out someone’s sexuality (which really wasn’t/isn’t any of your business even though you made it your business) is not to “keep hooking up with them to see what happens.” That’s like, not very cool.

Bottom line is, if you don’t want to hook up with someone … don’t. I really have no additional advice for you. Sorry. Come to me with a real problem and then maybe I can offer real advice.


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